There is a concept that the Mean Man refers to often. He calls it inverting the triangle of intimacy and he wrote about an essay about it a few years ago that can be read here. The idea is that in the bdsm community, we do these intensely intimate acts with people whom we may not know the basics about their lives and personality. Without getting that information first hand, humans tend to make assumptions about each other. "I like bondage and they like bondage, so we must be alike!"
This is something I have struggled with in the bdsm community quite a bit. I am not much for casual play, in fact it makes me extremely nervous. Usually I know someone (or at least know of them) for a year or more before I get to the point of making a date. The Mean Man teases me about putting people on a "2 year plan" when I tell him of a new crush. That seems to be the average time length between me meeting someone new and hopping into bed with them. This whole bdsm thing is pretty damn intimate and I am not emotionally geared to random, fleeting intimacy with someone I'll probably not play with again.
What I have noticed I can do is slowly draw out that delving into intimate activities stage over years. I have some people in my life with whom I enjoy regular play dates that deepen a bit more each time we play. We just happen to only play once a year or so. It's very freeing to not have to worry about fitting these people into my daily life and a tremendous gift to pick up where we left off each time we get together. Online venues such as Twitter and Fetlife give me that little peek into a public part of their personality that helps me to avoid the trap of filling in the blanks with my fantasy of who I want them to be.
Occasionally, I will be approached by someone online or at a play party and I may seem to not appreciate the compliment that is within a request to play. Please understand my intimacy triangle is wide side down and I don't have hours enough in the day to get to know everyone who approaches me to see if we are compatible. Introduce yourself and we'll get to know each other in the community and see what happens in a few years.
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1 comment:
Sophia, that was so eloquently stated and it really resonated with me. I've been feeling kinda like I am not sure if I like playing with strangers myself, especially after my first public scene in a dungeon outside of a con. It was kinda scary, rewarding mostly but left me feeling hollow compared to playing with Samarra.
I'm so adding your blog to my RSS feeds. I can't wait to read more (and hopefully have you read and comment on mine *cough* shamless self promotion *cough*)
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