"For consent to count...ASSENT has to matter."

I am not generally of a mind to re-publish the writing of another person in this journal. However, I recently read an essay on FetLife that made me say, "Yes, that is what I have been trying to say for years!"

Below is a FetLife Journal Entry by SherynB titled Assent Matters, posted July 6th, 2011.  All emphasis are by SherynB, copied exactly from her journal entry. She has given me permission to repost this and encourages reposting with attribution and a link back to the original post. Please respect her copyright and wishes if you would like to republish this essay.

Assent Matters by SherynB

Okay, there's a 600lb gorilla in the room, and I'm done pretending it's not there. What we do isn't pretty or politically correct, and frankly, it's dangerous if we can't get (and stay) honest about the reality of it. So here it is as raw and real and un-PC as it is:

There is a cult of victimhood building in the scene. It's being cultivated and nurtured in the name of something I don't believe the originators ever intended their catchy phrase to stand for. Its endgame is dangerous for everybody involved, physically, emotionally, socially, and legally...and it's going to harm us all if it isn't nipped in the bud, right fucking now.

For consent to count...ASSENT has to matter.

What we do is VOLUNTARY. It's not assault, battery or rape in any moral sense of the word, regardless of what the laws that were meant to protect people against involuntary harm actually say. We have message boards, clubs, businesses, parties and social groups where people come and ask, sometimes beg and plead, for others to hit, kick, scratch, burn, shock, bleed, humiliate, degrade, subjugate, frighten, outrage, piss on, piss off, and/or make them cry. Not because they are helpless victims, but because it sexually gratifies them to participate in those things. And there are people who agree to do it...want to do it...love to do all of those Terrible Horrible Very Nasty Things. Not because they are predatory assholes, but because it sexually gratifies them, too. And every one of those reputable organizations, and the ones that exist to protect them, insist on two things above all others: You must be an adult. You must be consenting.

And that applies to BOTH (or all) of you, dammit.

We can pretend whatever we want to in the confines of that emotional, theatrical, energetic bubble that is our "scene", whether it's for an hour or most of our 24/7 life. But the reality of the situation is that we are free, sentient, competent adults with a responsibility to take care of OURSELVES. If you're not, get out of the pool. Go home. You're not old enough or competent enough to play here. The roller coaster might look like fun, and it is, but if you aren't tall enough to ride this ride, nobody wants you on it...because when you fall out and get harmed, it not only hurts you, it closes down the ride for the rest of us.

I've been following an epic thread on consent for months now, watching sadly as many of the comments devolve into dangerously magical thinking and wishing somebody would speak up, and say "Whoa. There's a point at which personal responsibility comes into play here." It took far too long. I waited longer than I should have. I said nothing at first because I respected the poster. Then because it was Sexual Assault Awareness month. Then because I was busy. And finally realized, I just didn't really want to be the lightening rod for the reflexive push-back that would follow, when I called bullshit on the parts of it that were batshit Pollyanna craziness. But hey, there's more than one way people can get hurt in this game, and somebody has to stand up. I've been on both sides of this ride, and I'm out of patience with the silence, so today, it's me:

Being a top in this game is dangerous. Publicly, privately, with new partners or old. Being the one who does the Terrible Horrible Very Bad Things puts you in an untenable position that you cannot defend legally or morally no matter how many times they asked you to do it. As soon as somebody says "Oh, I changed my mind, I didn't want that after all," you are the one facing accusations of rape, boundary violations, incompetence, or predatory behavior. And it doesn't matter how careful you were, or how ethical you were, or how well you think you negotiated. You stay in this game for more than a couple years, you're gonna live through it whether you want to or not. Ask the biggest, baddest, kindest, most skilled, reputable and ethical tops of either gender that you know. Every single one of them has a story. Or two or three.

There are predators and crazies of all genders and every BDSM persuasion in this game. And yes, those poor tender delicate flowers of submission, slavery and painsluttery are more often than anybody talks about...dangerous, and occasionally, actually predatory. Some are crazy. Some are just uneducated or immature. But the thing the dangerous ones have in common sounds a lot like this:

"I didn't tell you, and you didn't know, and I didn't say anything while it was happening, but what you did I didn't want, and you should have known that, even though I was saying you could, because well...it's your responsibility to know better than I do what I want. And besides...I was in subspace/headspace/dissociated/whatever the fuck...and wasn't in my right mind when I said you could. So...I didn't really consent to that."

I can't say this clearly enough:

If you go to a place when you play that makes you incompetent to give or revoke consent, you have a disability that makes you a danger to yourself and to the people you play with. And if you're going to play this game AT ALL, you have a responsibility to choose your partners VERY carefully, disclose that problem UP FRONT, and negotiate truthfully, intelligently and with major self-awareness around it.

Because I've got news for those of you that think that "bottoms" can't do or consent to this or that or the other inside of a scene...a whole fucking bunch of us can. And do. And those of you that can't or won't, and still ask for pick-up play with people you barely know, are the worst nightmare of every top on the planet. Especially if your version of negotiation sounds a lot like "oh, um...you're hot...and I've heard good things about you...and oh, um...you know...whatever you want to do, I guess. I like [whatever it is that you do]."

Whether or not you want to live in that fantasy for yourself...or yell at me for calling you on it...keep this in mind: If you sell the notion that bottoming takes everybody to a place where consent is impossible...then ALL the work being done to make what we do legal and defensible and give us CHOICE is for naught. If we aren't competent to consent or withdraw consent once play starts, then everything we do will always be criminal, for our own protection. You can't have it both ways.

I know a couple that speak, teach and demonstrate some of the heaviest fear, humiliation & taboo play out there...they play deep in emotion all the time...and every time I've heard them speak or seen anything they've written for the last several years, I hear the bottom in that couple pleading for people to hear and understand: TOPS ARE NOT MINDREADERS. Her husband nods. But she's so frustrated you can almost hear her scream. It's a cry in the darkness I hear over and over, from tops, and from their partners, of either persuasion, and a whole bunch of bottoms who gag at being lumped in that "helpless subbie victim" category. Most of us are good with body language, with nuances of energy and emotion...some aren't. But NONE of us are mind-readers. And when you tell us things are good, when you ask for what you want, when you use words that are understandable and in plain English, and then tell us later that's not what you MEANT and we were supposed to KNOW that...we are helpless to respond. Because it's NOT RATIONAL.

Physical and emotional landmines happen. Endorphins and adrenaline allow things that the rational mind isn't comfortable with. We ALL wake up the next day sometimes thinking "What the FUCK was I thinking when I did/allowed/asked for that??" Or with more marks or bruises or embarrassment or physical or emotional hurt than we wanted, for ourselves or our partners. Sometimes it takes months to untangle whatever knots we surfaced. Sometimes we trigger stuff that needs therapy, or even medical treatment. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we don't. Shit happens, and often it's nobody's fault...unless you knew that shit was there, and didn't disclose it.

But when you wake up the next day and think to yourself: "Wow. I'm not comfortable with how far that went." Ask yourself what you actually did or said. Ask your partner what you did or said. Ask bystanders what you did or said. And own your part in it. Because whatever you were thinking...if you actually held the conversation and all the responses entirely in your head...you can't hold someone else responsible for what you didn't say or do here on the planet where the rest of us are. And if you couldn't possibly have predicted the outcome, how rational is it for you to expect that your partner should have?

Safewords exist for a reason. Plain English exists for a reason. All those classes on negotiation exist for a reason. Read the book The Gift of Fear (Gavin de Becker) and learn not just what a real predator looks like...but where YOUR responsibility to recognize the obvious signs and protect yourself begins. Find your emotional power to recognize and say "no" to what you don't want BEFORE you get naked and tied up and give up your actual physical power to walk away to anybody. And if you find, after the fact, that you don't have a voice in that situation...get one. Therapy and education and finding your own power will serve you far better in this life than setting yourself up for perpetual victimhood again and again, and wondering why it keeps happening to YOU.

Because your consent DOES count. And when you give it...you have a responsibility to give it honestly, and to expect to be taken at your word. And when you withdraw it, which you have a perfect right to do at any time, you have responsibility to communicate it clearly, and to act on it. Anything else puts you and everybody you play with at risk. Once you've done THAT, there's no excuse and no apology for anybody violating it. But until you do...it's magical and dangerous thinking to believe that someone else is going to "know" what you want, and do it, despite what you say or don't say. In fact, somebody who would discount your communication that way, is far more dangerous than someone who takes you at your word, as a competent, sentient adult, who has decided for yourself that you're big enough to be on this strange and wonderful ride.

Now somebody get that gorilla a banana. We've been ignoring it for far too long.

Coming out.

 I am convinced to be a happy and whole person, one must embrace their sexuality. Most of my daily life is spent inside the "love bubble", that wondrous place where all your friends are sex positive and accepting of all your kinks. I am contemplating coming all the way out of the closet.

What keeps me from doing that? Having to say this: "Hey Gramma, you know those anatomy classes I teach? Well, I'm teaching people how to tie each other up and hit each other in a more effectively & safely."

I don't think that's going to go over well.

Vote!

I take voting very seriously. As a citizen of a country that has a democratic government system, I believe it is a responsibility as well as a right to participate by voting. One of my parents was a British subject; hence, no voting for him. I have no memories of elections being a big deal in our household, or hearing my parents talk about who they were going to vote for during my childhood. Maybe that is why I was so curious about the process and hungry to take my place at the polls.

When I was 17 and a half, I set out to learn about politics in preparation for voting, as the month after I turned 18 was a presidential election. I found a tape called I Blow Minds for a Living with Jello Biafra's ranting about monkey wrenching the system while at the same time fulfilling one's civic duty by voting. After listening to him, I decided to register as a independent rather than proclaim a political party. I became diligent about researching candidates, initiatives and propositions so that I could make an informed decision based on my ethics and ideals.

I loved pouring over my voter's pamphlet, making notes of my opinions, crossing things out and circling other things so that when I went to the polls I was prepared. This was a sacred rite in which I eagerly participated. Going to the polling station was truly satisfying; especially when it was located in a school. For some reason, voting in a church was much less satisfying. I guess I take the concept of separating church and state too literally.

I understand the reasons for having a mail in system, but I do miss going to the polls. Last year, I saved voting for the first Tuesday in November; taking my ballot to the drop off station rather than mailing it in. I was doing my best to maintain that polling ritual. This year, I am accepting the fact that I will be mailing in my ballot. I have been reading my pamphlet and searching on the interweb in between working, marking my votes as I go. Voting while all bundled up in bed is quite nice. I think this soften the disappointment of not going to the polls.

Remember to get your ballots in the mail or to a drop off point by Tuesday November 2nd. Enjoy your responsibility!

More chatting with Dr. Dick

My second visit to Dr. Dick's Sex Advice pod cast is live and ready for a listen. In this segment we ended up talking a lot about art, porn, performing, modeling and orgasms!

Part 1 can be heard here. There is one mention in the second part to the first pod cast, so you may want to give part 1 a listen first if you haven't already heard it.

A big thank you to Dr. Dick for inviting me to be on his pod cast and for being a lovely host and charming interviewer!

Happy Father's Day.

Historically, this is a difficult day for me.

My biological father has- well, lots of problems. So many problems that it was difficult to be around him and involved in his life. As I got older, I realized that the problems he was mired in were self-inflicted and I was not responsible for taking care of him. I haven't had direct contact with my father in 11 years.

Finding others to fill this role is challenging, but important. My step-father has been a good stand in, though it took about 7 or 8 years for him to settle into that role for me. For my brother, it was much quicker. I have had 2 partners who have been a Daddy to me in our kink relationship. Each was quite different from the other in manifestation, though their natures of being men who supported me emotionally and mentored me was the same.

In the last decade, I have realized that strong, male role-models or father figures in one's life are very important; every bit as important as a mother figure. Ofttimes one must look outside their blood relations for this support, and that's ok. Chance cannot always pick the perfect parent for us and have that perfectness last our whole lives. It's good to acknowledge those who fill this role for you once you have found them, too.

This is a special "Happy Father's Day" to all the leather daddies out there. Thank you for being someone's daddy.

Compatibility & Intimacy

There is a concept that the Mean Man refers to often. He calls it inverting the triangle of intimacy and he wrote about an essay about it a few years ago that can be read here. The idea is that in the bdsm community, we do these intensely intimate acts with people whom we may not know the basics about their lives and personality. Without getting that information first hand, humans tend to make assumptions about each other. "I like bondage and they like bondage, so we must be alike!"

This is something I have struggled with in the bdsm community quite a bit. I am not much for casual play, in fact it makes me extremely nervous. Usually I  know someone (or at least know of them) for a year or more before I get to the point of making a date.  The Mean Man teases me about putting people on a "2 year plan" when I tell him of a new crush.  That seems to be the average time length between me meeting someone new and hopping into bed with them. This whole bdsm thing is pretty damn intimate and I am not emotionally geared to random, fleeting intimacy with someone I'll probably not play with again.

What I have noticed I can do is slowly draw out that delving into intimate activities stage over years. I have some people in my life with whom I enjoy regular play dates that deepen a bit more each time we play. We just happen to only play once a year or so. It's very freeing to not have to worry about fitting these people into my daily life and a tremendous gift to pick up where we left off each time we get together. Online venues such as Twitter and Fetlife give me that little peek into a public part of their personality that helps me to avoid the trap of filling in the blanks with my fantasy of who I want them to be.

Occasionally, I will be approached by someone online or at a play party and I may seem to not appreciate the compliment that is within a request to play. Please understand my intimacy triangle is wide side down and I don't have hours enough in the day to get to know everyone who approaches me to see if we are compatible. Introduce yourself and we'll get to know each other in the community and see what happens in a few years.

Quote to live by:

"If everything seems under control you're not going fast enough."  -Mario Andretti

From one of my favourite bloggers:

Figleaf's Ultimate Definitions of Good and Bad Sex

It’s good sex if you feel as good or better about yourself and your partner(s) as you did before.
It’s bad sex if you feel bad or worse about yourself and your partner(s) after than you did before.

I want to discuss this with a variety of people in the kink community.  There is a lot of play that walks the edge of this dichotomy. 

Rambling on a rehearsal day.

I am starting to feel settled in as the Director for Little Red Studio.  Going from a volunteer to paid staff has been difficult for me.  The Studio has always been about doing what I want to do. Having and element of obligation has been irritating.  Which is strange, since I really don't want to not be involve with the Studio.  It's the idea that I have to do something that feels weird. 

I think the biggest element in this feeling awkward has to do with the philosophy that is the basis for why LRS is so special. There is a book called The Gift by Lewis Hyde that talks about the importance of being in the gift economy when doing anything creative or erotic in order to grow the energy.  It's akin to the saying "You have to love in order to be loved" or any other truism that suggests that you have to give away something in order to receive something. And this is gifting I am referring to; not trade. When you trade, you expect something back. When you give a gift, for it to truly be a gift, you must expect nothing in return, including an acknowledgment. Jeff once wrote an essay about this philosophy that you can read here.

When I became a paid staff member, the portion of my LRS involvement that is administrative in nature was pulled out of the gift economy and thrust into the money economy.  And that makes sense. Jeff needs to know that this work will get done at a certain time and in a certain way.  One can't have those expectations when in the gift economy.  My art and performances will still be in the gift economy and I am glad of that so I can reap the benefits of increase that come with the act of giving away that energy.  That is something I will not give up.  That is an integral part of being involved with the Little Red Studio for me.

So, tonight I go and do my duty as the Director.  And tomorrow, I play at being the Director.  A small distinction, but one that was important for me to make for myself in this transition since I am performing less often.

Little Red Studio tickets are available online at Brown Paper Tickets for $25 until 6pm the day of a show. We then have tickets available at the door between 8 and 9pm for $30.  Since we set the program the night before, I can't tease you with what the show will be like until the day of the show. If you are curious. Check back tomorrow and I'll post a sneak peek.