I didn't mean to get political...

Once upon a time I bought an old American flag at a thrift store. It had 48 stars on it an it was in good condition, only a little yellowed with age. I took it to Jim Duvall and said I wanted to do something with it, as in make art. I feel really strongly that I am fortunate to be a woman in America, at this time and place. For the most part, I have a lot of freedom to pursue my sexuality and I wanted to say something artistically to reflect that.

That was 4 years ago. Since there have been numerous conversations and nothing seemed "right" and everything seemed to cliche. A few months ago, Jim suggested that I be the flag pole. I had only recently relaxed my stance on temporary piercings and any type of BDSM play that resulted in blood.  While I was still leery of the prospect, he convinced me that it would make a great photo to have the flag streaming in the wind from my body.

"But how does the reflect on my sexuality?"

"Oh! We could put you in the burqa head piece..."

"Wait! What about putting the flag upside down? That's a distress signal."

And so we went form there. Finding someone to pierce me with the hooks was easy, (far easier than it should have been, in my opinion) scheduling was a bit trickier. After a few weeks of negotiating, we had a date. As with most photoshoots with a narrow goal, the prep took a while and the actual shoot was about 15 minutes before Jim was convinced we had the shot.

For the record, yes, getting pierced hurt. The flapping flag in the wind machine only hurt a tiny bit,it mostly just felt odd.

Though is is different that I originally planned, I am pleased with the final product. I have been enjoying the conversations it have evoked. What do you see?

Aerial Improv Contest

If I didn't already have a hot date, this is what I would be doing this Sunday night.

Please join us for Versatile Art’s second not-quite-annual aerial improv competition! Aerialists of all levels will show off their ability to perform their choreography to a randomly-selected piece of music. Will they get Yanni, or Rammstein? Nobody knows until we hit that “random” button. Contestants get one free refusal, and after that they lose points for rejecting a song. Our panel of celebrity judges will tally the scores and select a new improv champion. What do they get? Cash! Where does that cash come from? The door! So please come out and enjoy a hilarious night of aerial virtuosity.

This year’s amazing judges’ panel includes: Armitage Shanks (Dog and Pony Show Productions and Seattle Erotic Art Festival's Performance Director), Martha Enson (En-Joy Productions) and the always-fabulous Tamara the Trapeze Lady representing VA.

Versatile Arts
7601 Greenwood Ave N., Suite 103 Seattle, WA 98103
Sunday, April 22nd, 2012
Doors at 7:00, show starts promptly at 7:30.
Cost: $10
RSVP here to ensure a seat – note that Facebook RSVPs do NOT count.


PERFORMERS: please email improv@versatilearts.net if you have questions or are interested in participating. Preregistration is encouraged but not required. This is a great chance to be seen by Seattle’s biggest circus event producers, and it’s a ton of fun as well. And did we mention CASH PRIZES!

Attention Performing Artists!

Seattle Erotic Art Festival -- Call for Performers for Main Stage Show, Deadline 4/10

Performers! You have until Tuesday, April 10 to apply to be part of the Festival's main stage production, "Things That Go Bump in the Night", a celebration of all things erotic.

The show will be written and directed by Performance Director David Crellin (aka Armitage Shanks), headlined by international burlesque star TIGGER, and will feature original music by THE WET SPOTS!

Learn more about this fantastic opportunity and begin your application today!

Call for Art Open Now!

Our fabulous webmaster/IT guru has the submission site up and running!

Go to www.SeattleErotic.org to register and submit your art.

The Seattle Erotic Art Festival is accepting art submissions February 1 through March 10, 2012 for the tenth annual event, the biggest and best year yet. The Festival will be held June 16-24.

The Festival is calling for:
     *visual art of all media
     *short film
     *installation art
     *literary art
     *performance art
     *DJs
     *and items for the popular Festival Store.

All artists 18 years old or older are encouraged to submit art for consideration. The Festival accepts art from artists across the nation and world, and there is no submission fee to apply for artists living outside of North America. The deadline is Saturday, March 10 at 11pm PST. The early-bird deadline (for discounted submission fees) is Wednesday, February 15 at 11pm PST.

Artists may submit once for as many Calls for Art as they wish, but note that each Call for Art has distinct requirements and may have additional submission fees. View the navigation tabs for details about each call for art. Click here for an overview of the benefits accepted and declined artists receive, and a summary of all the submission fees.  

Summary of the Submission Process

The submission process is quick and easy, and the site will guide you through each step. If you have questions, you can click a Icon_info to learn more, and/or visit the FAQ If you still need assistance, contact info@SeattleErotic.org.

You will need to create an account with your email and password, by clicking the link that says Register (In the dark gray column on the left side of the page).
The next step is to add your artist profile. This includes your legal name and contact information.
You will then select what type of art you would like to submit.
If a submission fee is required, you will be prompted to pay the submission fee before you can apply.
Invited artists will enter a discount code to waive the submission fee.
The final step is submitting your art for consideration. There are different requirements depending on the type of art you are submitting for consideration. Please view the navigation tabs for details about each one. Details will also be included during the submission process.

Catharsis - Part 2

If you have a stomach for blood, check out Jim Duvall's photos of me with lots of blood in a bath tub. If you don't, they are a series of photos of me "using" a straight razor to cut my wrist, covering myself with blood and masturbating. (Good lord, I just wrote that, didn't I?)

There has been a lot of fussing and arguing and discussion about these photos. It has been wonderful seeing so many people talking about art that I helped make. The most fascinating part has been reading all the the motivations that have been assigned to the creators. I thought I would share my story behind my involvement in these photos and my part of the collaborative process.

I've been squeamish about blood, needles, hooks and cuttings ever since I found out people did that in their BDSM play. For being the kid who used to pick my scabs so I could suck the blood, and the menstruating woman who had no qualms about getting messy, it seems strange upon contemplation. I spent some time recently trying to figure out how blood play came to be something I was squicked by.

When I was 17, Planned Parenthood implemented HIV screening.  The receptionist really pushed me to check the boxes of risk factors I wasn't sure of, because "it's better to just say yes if you aren't 100% sure the answer is no." So, I had had blood drawn for the first time in my life to test me for a really scary disease no one knew a whole lot about except that it killed you. When you are nervous because something is new and scared this new thing will uncover terrible information, one is understandably going to make some associations. The nurse took two very small (5cc's or less) vials of blood and I exclaimed in panic "You're taking too much!"

Another correlation is that I had a hysterectomy before I got involved in the public BDSM scene so my relationship to blood had changed by the fact that I could no longer bleed for 5 days and survive. My opinion for the last 8 years has been that my blood should stay inside of me.

I've been poking at this fear of blood play a bit since I began dating Jim, mostly because he gets off on fear and I figure this is something I can give him that won't be psychologically damaging for me. I have  done needle play with him a handful of times. Literally, five times. I have done a hook pull. A dear friend who is fond of medical staples has had a go at me twice. Mind you, this is over a 5 year period. I was slowly edging into doing more with fantasies bubbling up of more intense blood related scenes. Mostly keeping them as fantasies.

And then I saw a scene that made it possible for me to grok bloodlust. I was out at Paradise and the lovely Lorelei and a play partner of her's set up in the middle of the field, him braced against a stone pillar and her dressed all in white, including stylish white sunglasses as eye protection. She began the scene using a chainmail flogger to "bring the blood to the surface" and just as it started to break his skin, she switched to piercing him with largish gauge needles. Now, he had done a bit of research and determined how he could decrease the clotting factors in his blood for the express purpose of having a bloodier scene. When Lorelei pulled the needles out of his back, the blood streamed down. She resumed flogging him and on every back swing, that chainmail flogger left more blood on her white outfit. The splattering was quite artful. Every few strokes, she would pause a moment, sometimes even pressing into him, making bloody marks on the front of her hips and breasts where she had hugged him.

I really understood the concept of blood lust watching that scene. The blood pouring out of those piercings was so full of life. The rich red colour was astoundingly beautiful. Passionate is the word that keeps coming to mind. The life force represented by his blood and the way she reveled in it was mesmerizing.

Yeah, I wanted to feel that direct connection with life force.

So, I boldly asked a friend if she would want to do some blood play with me, perhaps in the context of a photo shoot. If something is for art, it's always easier for me. She and Jim started talking about using his claw foot tub as the centerpiece. A date was set for her to draw my blood and the rest is history.

Now, I have had very little experience with suicide so it's not as an emotionally charged subject for me as it is for others. While I did do a tiny bit of cutting as a teenager, it wasn't something that I did with regularity or sincerity. For me, being in that bath tub with my own blood sprayed all over me, it was all about reveling in that life force. I was covered in blood red passion. Literally, blood red. The texture of the blood was enticing and sexy. The idea that I could touch the essence of life was overwhelmingly powerful. I became giddy during the shoot an it had everything to do with playing in that taboo substance.

When we filled the tub and the blood tinged the water, my experience changed. Bathing in life giving blood is profound. I was in a primordial womb of my own making. Emerging from that bath was like birthing myself. The fear I had once had about my blood being outside of my body seemed silly, now. Having your blood outside of your body didn't have to be traumatic and dangerous. Facing one's fears does not always yield the expected results. I certainly didn't think I would be so excited to do something like that again.

This account doesn't mean that all of those other thoughts and opinions about those photos aren't valid. Not in the least. Art means whatever it means to you. There is no right answer. Yes, the artist is often trying to communicate something. And it's ok if what you see in art is different than the artist intended. Really, that can't be helped. Good art gives you a chance to see something inside of yourself. It confronts your beliefs and feelings on any given subject, sometimes in a jarring way.

Help the Seattle Erotic Art Festival change the world!

We are delighted to announce the Festival's brand new Art Activist Society.

Together we can strengthen our community, support artists across the nation and world, and change the way people think about art, sex and sexuality.

Become a Society member for an annual gift of $250 or more, and receive special benefits while supporting the Festival's mission and long-term goals.

All Society members enjoy benefits like tickets to Festival events, VIP entry and rewards, a special members-only party, discounts to workshops, and more.

Higher membership levels receive benefits like discounts on art purchases from the Festival exhibition and Store, a piece of art from the Festival's private collection, an invitation for two to observe the jury process and attend the Artist Reception before the Festival, and so much more.

Learn about our membership levels and join the Society.

Be part of bringing the Festival to life, and making our 10th anniversary the best year yet.

This is a very exciting program. One of the reasons that I am part of the Seattle Erotic Art Festival is that I want to change the way our society perceives and relates to sexuality.  Art is an incredible way to educate and illustrate that all forms of sexuality have beauty and are valid forms of expression. Please join us in this mission.

The next show I am attending: Embodied

Embodied
November 9th and 10th. 2011
8pm – 10pm
FRED Wildlife Refuge
127 Boylston St
Seattle, WA 98102

Embodied is a one-woman show illustrating a musical journey, and a rare public performance including much of my original music and distinctive cover songs. It depicts the sense of the personality fragmentation in youth, and the experience of slowly piecing ones self together to truly be a whole person. There will be live music, stunning visuals, palpable energy and an aerial performance. Anyone who enjoys being moved by the dark, melancholy, and profound will love this show.

Artist, performer, director and writer: Courtnee Papastathis (also as Zita the Aerialist)
Sound Engineering, back-up: Edgars Klepers
Visuals and Lights: Courtnee Papastathis and Miked Up Productions.


Tickets are $20 at Brown Paper Tickets and at the door, space permitting.

I'll be attending the Thursday showing. Anyone else interested in going that day and want to meet up?

Come and see me perform for Arts Crush!

Jim Duvall & I will be doing a rope bondage performance while David Jones recites his potent poetry.

What:      Dangerous Liaisons featuring The Libertine Ball

Time:       Friday, October 14 at 8:00pm - October 15 at 12:00am

Location: The Mix
              6006 12th Ave. S
              Seattle, WA

More Info:
Step back in time into a sensual world of scandal, love, danger, and
intrigue based on the once-banned novel from 18th century Paris. An
interactive show like no other will dazzle your senses throughout an
enchanting evening of poetry, theatre, music, dance and visual art put
on by Seattle's own Floating Mountain Poets. As the season of masquerade

approaches, come dressed to impress for the costumed Libertine Ball
where fantasy and fetish conquer moral restraint in an artistic
palette of physical pleasures, experienced through the five senses.

Doors at 7:30 pm. Show starts at 8 pm.

Tickets $15 at https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/192844

$10 Tickets at the door if you come in costume!

I'll fly away!

I love to sing. Back when I was involved with the Little Red Studio, there were a few skits I organized where we formed a choir and sang. Those are still my favourite experiences of all 8 years at the Studio.

I miss the Studio. Something fierce. I miss being surrounded by so many artists of so many flavours. I miss the collaborations. I miss learning new skills. Hell, I even miss wrangling said artists when I was the director. All that can be summed up: I miss being caught up in the creative energy of a vibrant arts community.

So, I am going to go find myself a choir to sing in. I love singing. I'm not great at it so perhaps I'll sign up at one of the local community colleges so I can get a wee bit of coaching. I don't want to become a professional. I do want to perform, but only for the joy of sharing music. I just want to sing. With lots of other people. (If I didn't have to sit through a church service, I would rather join a church choir because they have the best songs.)

Maybe I could gather up all the people who joined voices with me at LRS for a reunion choir to sing "I'll Fly Away".

Memory Lane

I found a bunch of old CDs of music from my childhood and added them to my itunes. That got me thinking about what a big role music played in my formative years. I really do believe that music is food for the soul. It stirs the emotions and inspires our bodies to movement. Music communicates so purely. When words would just mess something up, you can trust music to carry the message.

Growing up, there was always music playing in our house. All kinds and styles of music. My Nana had been a concert pianist as a young woman in England before World War II. She would always accede to my requests for ragtime style songs. I think I liked the stories of her stealing the sheet music from her older sisters after her father decreed she was too young to listen to/play think kind of music more than the songs themselves.

My mama would dance around while folding laundry or sing in the car. Simon & Garfunkle, Fleetwood Mac, all the songs from "The Sound of Music" and the Eagles were her favourites. She and I were good at quickly memorizing lyrics and often sang a Capella. We didn't need no stinking radio to sing along with!

My father had bizarre, eclectic tastes. I remember once being in the record store waiting for what seemed like forever while he choose which Beethoven recording he wanted to buy along with the newest AC/DC album. He would buy a whole album for one song and not complain at all that the other songs weren't to his liking. Where my mama put on a record and listened to the whole thing, he played DJ, often sprinting across the room at the tail end of a song so he would pick up the needle and jump to another track on the record.

What a trail of memories listening to "Soul of the Sea" by Heart started.

Being a part of art.

One of my greatest joys is helping an artist bring their vision to life. I, and the five other models in the Newton's Cradle, got the sweetest email from the artist, Jim Duvall.

I just wanted to thank you all for being a part of a great piece of art. and let you know some of the reception it has gotten so far.

It has already been awarded the. following accolades, Deviant Art Daily Deviation. If you are not a member you will not see the image but you can read the comments. There are over 400. The fun ones are when we all get called Nazis 2-3 pages down. It is already ranked in the top 150 fetish images of all time there in only a week.

 Model Mayhem Picture of the day.

Model insider Picture of the day.

Besides getting a enormous amount of comments on FetLife.

So a very heartfelt thank you to you all. I could not have done this without you.

You can see this piece of art, and purchase it at the Seattle Erotic Art Festival May 20th through 22nd.

Pssst! If you love art, you can volunteer to be an Art Guide and share knowledge about the various art that was juried and invited into the exhibition.

Early Bird fee ends on January 15th!

Calling all artists!  

The Seattle Erotic Art Festival is now accepting art submissions for the ninth annual event, to be held May 20-22, 2011 at Fremont Studios.

The Festival is seeking visual art of all media, short film/video, interactive installations and literary art. All artists 18+ are encouraged to submit art now at SeattleErotic.org.

The early-bird submission fee is only $20 if you submit by January 15, midnight PST. The fee includes a Friday ticket to the Festival ($30 value, non-transferable, non-refundable). Regular submission fee of $30 will be in effect from the 16th until the close of the call for art on the 31st.

Selected art will be professionally showcased throughout the three-day event to thousands of patrons. This is a fantastic opportunity!

Spread the word, and sign up for our free newsletter to receive updates.

How art saved my life.

Many dear friends are involved with organizing and performing at Vita Arts current show. I wanted very much to be a part of this event and was quite sad to abstain as this is a subject near and dear to my heart. Art, especially music, if food for the soul. To be truly fulfilled in life, one has to have some amount of art buoying them up, providing challenge or inspiration. If you are looking for something to do this coming Saturday night, go checkout "How Art Saved My Life". I can guarantee that you willhear some amazing poetry and see some beautiful aerial work, among other acts.
~~~~~~~~

Photo by Chris Clark.

  "How Art Saved My Life" takes place in a collective mind space. The show is an amplified illustration of the moment in time where you stare into a black hole and choose life. The setting is the mind, in dreamspace, fantasy, plugged into the matrix, whatever you want to think of it. The stories told are amplifications, illustrations, depictions, of that moment, when art saved "you", and the moments before and after it. The show flows in a liquid motion toward progress and self acceptance and is sure to move, inspire, and entertain.

This show is open to the public, and consists of the theatrical production presented in Vita Arts latest workshop as well as a variety of performances by Vitas staff, teachers and guest artists.

This show is for our friends, family, enthusiasts and supporters to come see what we are up to, enjoy a great show, and celebrate a new chapter in how Vita Arts changes peoples lives. Tickets are $12 advance from https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/138852 and $15 at the door.

We're pulling out the stadium seating, so we have plenty of room – tell your friends and carpool!

January 15, 2011 7:00 PM
Youngstown Cultural Arts Center
4408 Delridge Way
Seattle, WA 98126

$12 ADVANCED AT BROWN PAPER TICKETS
$15 CASH ONLY at the door.

Happy New Year

David Jones is in the house!

Today I get the present of words spoken by my favourite poet and dear friend, David L. Jones.  I am so excited that he has, along with many other former members of the Little Red Studio Poetry Posse, reading around town as part of the Floating Mountain Poets. He recently did an interview, his first as a poet of interest. Check it out at Poet Speaks Out!

One of the things we will talk about today is the possibility of working on a book that will collect works of words and pictures that I have inspired. I have to admit that embarrasses me. While I pride myself on having been a muse to many, I am not sure it is something to boast about. After all, it's more impressive tome when someone makes art. I am a facilitator as a model; I help artists bring their visions to life. In poetry, the one who inspires hasn't done any work.

Obviously, I am still trying to wrap my head around it. And my discomfort at being perceived as egotistical won't keep me from agreeing that it is a book that we could sell because it will have some amazing poetry and art in it. I will be arrogant in my boast that I join forces with very gifted artists, indeed.

I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Warm Winter Wishes

What a day! And it's not even halfway done!

This morning, I went downtown and gave out Christmas care packages and food to "those less fortunate" with Santa, Allena, Drew from Ballard Brothers,  and a few others. It was an interesting experience and quite powerful that a little bit of generosity goes a very long way in the world. We'll being doing it next year on Christmas Eve morning.If you want to join us, please let me know.

On the night of the solstice, Jim and I did a photo shoot for his holiday card. This is actually the product of two shoots. The plan was to do the shoot on a roof that had a fantastic view of the Space Needle. At the last minute, permission was withdrawn, due to the number of people electing to watch the lunar eclipse on the roof.

Plan B to the rescue in the form of Photoshop. Jim shot the view of the Needle and the moon and we relocated to another rooftop and shot me spinning fire. He was careful to take the photos of me so that I was in scale with the view he took photos of earlier so that the composition would be as true to life as possible. I am pretty pleased with the result. For as cold as I was, I am amazed that the image isn't blurry from my shivers!

Now, it's off to the thrift store to find a roasting pan so I can finish making apple butter. (Cross your fingers for me.) Then to make elk stroganoff  for xmas dinner with my made family.

Whatever you choose to celebrate, may you and your loved ones enjoy wealth, health and happiness.

Give the gift of Velvet

What would make for a more luxurious and sexy stocking stuffer than an indulgent weekend at the Seattle Erotic Art Festival?

The decadent Velvet Experience includes:

• Exclusive first opportunity to preview and purchase art from the exhibition
• Very limited sneak peek behind the scenes of the Festival on Thursday night
• VIP parking each day
• Express lane at all service areas (bar, Festival Store, and coat check)
• Personalized docent tour
• Unique gift bag, including a gift certificate to the Festival Store
• Two full passes to the entire Festival -- two fabulous nights and three exciting days of art exhibition, performances, and dancing
• Two full passes to the Festival Launch Party in April 2011*
• And more!

Extremely limited availability.
Secure your experience today!  

* The Launch party sold out last year. While we will be in a bigger venue in 2011, a Velvet Experience is a guarantee you will get in.

I want you to make sexy art!

Call for Art!

Artists, get your creative engines turning! 
The Festival will be accepting submissions January 1-31, 2011, for the ninth annual event.

All artists age 18+ are encouraged to submit up to five (5) works of erotic art of any medium. Sculptors, multimedia artists and painters are particularly encouraged to apply. Submissions can be made online at SeattleErotic.org, throughout January.

The Festival is a jury-selected, erotic fine art exhibition and arts festival. A place where art that is rarely seen in mainstream galleries and museums can be celebrated, discussed and supported. An event where clichés of "sexiness" can be replaced with intriguing explorations of eroticism.

A different and new Festival jury is appointed every year, with careful consideration. To increase diversity of the selected art, the jury consists of an erotic artist, an art professional, an art collector, a sex positive activist, and a Festival committee member. Art is selected by a blind jury; jurors never know whose work they are reviewing during the process. Unknown and famous artists alike are given equal consideration and opportunity.

In order to show the work of successful and international artists who no longer choose to submit their work to juried shows, the Festival does include curated and invited artist sections as well, but the juried work has always represented the majority of art showcased at the Festival.

We stand by our mission to support a vibrant creative community, supporting living artists with low submission fees and commission rates. Selected art will be showcased throughout the three-day event to thousands of patrons. The Festival sells far more art than any other erotic art festival.

Artists may also choose to submit to the Festival Store, which has a later submission deadline (to be determined). Artists do not need to attend the Festival in order to participate.
Spread the word, and sign up for our newsletter to receive updates.

Fire Connection

I started spinning staff again. Practicing to polish my skills and pushing myself farther. Making new contacts in the fire community where I can and envisioning where I want to go with this activity. I want to make art. I want to perform with fire again.

YouTube is great for generating ideas and finding heroes. Contact work has captured my attention and this video gave me a goal to work toward:

Look, Ma, no phobia! (Pt. 2)

  

I found myself intrigued by my reaction. I became convinced that the art of fire dancing held the key to me overcoming my phobia. Within a few months I had found a mentor and began the process of learning to be a fire performer and a “safety” for other performers. I became proficient. But I didn’t erase the phobia; I learned how to disassociate enough so I could function safely with the fire. I didn’t feel the joy of spinning that so many talked about. I certainly didn’t love the sound of the fire roaring around me as it fought the wind resistance generated by spinning. What I felt was a sense of accomplishment and strength. I was proud that I had worked through my fear enough to be able to hold two fans, each with 5 wicks, or a 5 foot long staff with flaming ends. But I was also tense and focused and hypersensitive to whatever I perceived as the slightest lapse in safety.

1st fire dance- Photo by G. Siano, 2006

When I was deemed ready to “light up” I was nervous, to say the least. Focusing on the safety protocols and preparations helped keep me from flying into a panic at what I was about to do. The the amount of will power required to continue after the completion of each step in the process to light up steadily increased. I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel by the time my mentor stood in front of me with the lighter asking if I was ready. With a nod yes and the proffered end of my staff, it started.

From that point on, I regularly performed with fire for  about 2 years. It got easier, though only to a point. I refused to learn to fire eating or breathing. While I didnt' refuse, I did avoid doing any contact work, even doing fire contact on another was difficult. Eventually, my performance partner convinced me to feed him fire as part of a sexy dessert skit for the Little Red Studio. The first time we did the rehearsal with fire, I just about threw up from the anxiety. I preferred to stick with using my fans, as then at least I could feel like I had full control over the movement of the fire. Spinning the staff was harder; the momentum made for more possibility to lose control of the fire.

Eventually, I came to the conclusion that performing with fore wasn't  reducing the scope of my phobia. Nothing had changed in my relationship to fire outside of performing. And even then, I wasn't overcoming the fear, I was just managing it when I performed. So, I stopped spinning. I still kept my tools, as they were all custom made for me, and one of them by me. In the back of my head, I thought I would try again in the future.

Enter hypnosis. Jim is, among all his other talents, a certified hypnotherapist. Using hypnosis as a tool for resolving phobias is a fairly common thing and there are a number of different approaches to choose from based on the circumstances at hand. Regression was a good tool once we realized that we had to do it repeatedly in order to pull off the layers. Parts therapy ground the process to a halt, but was still illuminating. There was about a month with hard emotional work of processing and integrating everything I learned about where the phobia came from.


Last weekend, Jim & I did a photo shoot we have been talking about for years. He has wanted to learn how to photograph fire performances, which takes a fair amount of practice. I was finally eager to spin for him, rather than just willing to help out. While we didn't get any art out of the shoot, I discovered that I truly had worked through the phobia: I felt joy, giggling bubbling up to the surface, as I worked the fire around me. The huge grin captured in the photos said it all.

Jim pointed out to me that he had never seen that look on my face before when I performed with fire. He said I always looked nervous and tense. And not just in the pre-show jitters kind of way. More like I was using every ounce of self control to not throw the fire tool as far away from me as possible. Looking back through all the photos I have of me performing, I see he is right; even in the photos where I am smiling, it's pasted on, lacking any joy in my eyes.

 Now, I go forward. I want to increase my skill set to include contact staff. All the work I currently admire and skills I envy are in that arena. It means getting closer to the fire, and I am excited that I can start practicing without panic attacks.

Look, Ma, no Phobia! (Pt. 1)

As a child, I lived through numerous experiences where I was scared by fire and explosions. A phobia developed around being burned or fire going out of control. I had a lot of shame wrapped up in being scared of fire. I felt it was a failing that I was irrationally scared of something, that while dangerous, was normally controlled and so useful. People would tell me it was an understandable fear, and then be shocked to find out that pulling something out of the oven would take me to to the point of panic or that I was incapable of making barbecue.



I managed quite nicely in avoiding pushing against the phobia too often. When camping, I would stand with my back to the inevitable fire, being only near enough to keep myself warm. Occasionally, I would I find myself lamenting that I had to rely on others to make me barbecue.  I managed to survive living two years in a house with a fireplace without having a nervous breakdown. Finding the condo with a gas fireplace turned out to be a great compromise between my fear and my then partner's love of having a fireplace in the home. I would always end up stressed out, often crying, on the Fourth of July; hating the family nature of the day that made my presence a requirement.



In the fall of 2000, during a First Thursday ArtWalk, I saw my first fire performance with my dear friend Ken. The woman was spinning poi (basically flaming balls on the ends of chain) and dancing around. Ken was enraptured and I was uncomfortable, even from our vantage point over 100 feet away. As she neared the end of her burn time, she knelt down and arched backward, spinning the poi in front of her body, arms outstretched and close together so that the fire looked to be tickling at her torso. As my panic rose, she stopped spinning and trailed the poi up her body and licked at the flame. I lost all semblance of control, spinning around, burst into tears and speed-walked away from the sight.



Ken dove head long into the fire arts. He learned in any how to spin staff, wield flaming whips and swords, among many other tools. He would kindly not mention details of what he was doing out of respect for my distress over the subject. 4 years later, he emailed me a video link saying that he was immensely pleased with himself and that while he knew I wasn't into it, he wanted to show me what he was doing. The video was him dancing with a woman while he was spinning a fire staff and she was dancing with fire bowls. And I found myself being turned on. By the beauty, by the artistry, by the chemistry between them. I immediately called him. "I can't believe that you just turned me on with fire!"