Catharsis - Part 2

If you have a stomach for blood, check out Jim Duvall's photos of me with lots of blood in a bath tub. If you don't, they are a series of photos of me "using" a straight razor to cut my wrist, covering myself with blood and masturbating. (Good lord, I just wrote that, didn't I?)

There has been a lot of fussing and arguing and discussion about these photos. It has been wonderful seeing so many people talking about art that I helped make. The most fascinating part has been reading all the the motivations that have been assigned to the creators. I thought I would share my story behind my involvement in these photos and my part of the collaborative process.

I've been squeamish about blood, needles, hooks and cuttings ever since I found out people did that in their BDSM play. For being the kid who used to pick my scabs so I could suck the blood, and the menstruating woman who had no qualms about getting messy, it seems strange upon contemplation. I spent some time recently trying to figure out how blood play came to be something I was squicked by.

When I was 17, Planned Parenthood implemented HIV screening.  The receptionist really pushed me to check the boxes of risk factors I wasn't sure of, because "it's better to just say yes if you aren't 100% sure the answer is no." So, I had had blood drawn for the first time in my life to test me for a really scary disease no one knew a whole lot about except that it killed you. When you are nervous because something is new and scared this new thing will uncover terrible information, one is understandably going to make some associations. The nurse took two very small (5cc's or less) vials of blood and I exclaimed in panic "You're taking too much!"

Another correlation is that I had a hysterectomy before I got involved in the public BDSM scene so my relationship to blood had changed by the fact that I could no longer bleed for 5 days and survive. My opinion for the last 8 years has been that my blood should stay inside of me.

I've been poking at this fear of blood play a bit since I began dating Jim, mostly because he gets off on fear and I figure this is something I can give him that won't be psychologically damaging for me. I have  done needle play with him a handful of times. Literally, five times. I have done a hook pull. A dear friend who is fond of medical staples has had a go at me twice. Mind you, this is over a 5 year period. I was slowly edging into doing more with fantasies bubbling up of more intense blood related scenes. Mostly keeping them as fantasies.

And then I saw a scene that made it possible for me to grok bloodlust. I was out at Paradise and the lovely Lorelei and a play partner of her's set up in the middle of the field, him braced against a stone pillar and her dressed all in white, including stylish white sunglasses as eye protection. She began the scene using a chainmail flogger to "bring the blood to the surface" and just as it started to break his skin, she switched to piercing him with largish gauge needles. Now, he had done a bit of research and determined how he could decrease the clotting factors in his blood for the express purpose of having a bloodier scene. When Lorelei pulled the needles out of his back, the blood streamed down. She resumed flogging him and on every back swing, that chainmail flogger left more blood on her white outfit. The splattering was quite artful. Every few strokes, she would pause a moment, sometimes even pressing into him, making bloody marks on the front of her hips and breasts where she had hugged him.

I really understood the concept of blood lust watching that scene. The blood pouring out of those piercings was so full of life. The rich red colour was astoundingly beautiful. Passionate is the word that keeps coming to mind. The life force represented by his blood and the way she reveled in it was mesmerizing.

Yeah, I wanted to feel that direct connection with life force.

So, I boldly asked a friend if she would want to do some blood play with me, perhaps in the context of a photo shoot. If something is for art, it's always easier for me. She and Jim started talking about using his claw foot tub as the centerpiece. A date was set for her to draw my blood and the rest is history.

Now, I have had very little experience with suicide so it's not as an emotionally charged subject for me as it is for others. While I did do a tiny bit of cutting as a teenager, it wasn't something that I did with regularity or sincerity. For me, being in that bath tub with my own blood sprayed all over me, it was all about reveling in that life force. I was covered in blood red passion. Literally, blood red. The texture of the blood was enticing and sexy. The idea that I could touch the essence of life was overwhelmingly powerful. I became giddy during the shoot an it had everything to do with playing in that taboo substance.

When we filled the tub and the blood tinged the water, my experience changed. Bathing in life giving blood is profound. I was in a primordial womb of my own making. Emerging from that bath was like birthing myself. The fear I had once had about my blood being outside of my body seemed silly, now. Having your blood outside of your body didn't have to be traumatic and dangerous. Facing one's fears does not always yield the expected results. I certainly didn't think I would be so excited to do something like that again.

This account doesn't mean that all of those other thoughts and opinions about those photos aren't valid. Not in the least. Art means whatever it means to you. There is no right answer. Yes, the artist is often trying to communicate something. And it's ok if what you see in art is different than the artist intended. Really, that can't be helped. Good art gives you a chance to see something inside of yourself. It confronts your beliefs and feelings on any given subject, sometimes in a jarring way.

What I am doing tonight:

Seattle Erotic Art Festival Presents: Christopher Ryan of "Sex at Dawn"

Enjoy a lively discussion of this New York Times bestseller!

date:	Tuesday, October 25, 2011
time:	06:00 PM to 08:00 PM
where:	MOHAI (Museum of History and Industry)
address:	2700 24th Ave. E. (In the Auditorium, lower level)  map

cost:

$10

Seattle Erotic Art Festival is delighted to present an intimate evening with Christopher Ryan, co-author of Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality.

This award winning New York Times bestseller reexamines much of what we think we know about sex.
Newsweek states it’s: “Funny, witty, and light . . . the book is a scandal in the best sense, one that will have you reading the best parts aloud and reassessing your ideas about humanity’s basic urges well after the book is done.”

Seattle’s Dan Savage says it’s: “The single most important book about human sexuality since Alfred Kinsey unleashed Sexual Behavior in the Human Male on the American public in 1948.”
Ryan will provide an engaging presentation followed by questions and conversation. Books will be available for purchase and Ryan will be signing copies.

TICKETS ON SALE NOW!

18+ only

This event is part of Arts Crush

The Seattle Erotic Art Festival is proud to participate in Arts Crush, a month-long King County festival featuring hundreds of events across the region, happening throughout October.
This is one of many sexy events we're putting on for Arts Crush, most of which are FREE -- learn more and save the dates!

A fan-tastic weekend!

This weekend, the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture is hosting two authors I greatly admire.

Deborah Sundahl wrote Female Ejaculation and the G-spot which is an incredible book that walks a woman through the whys, whats and hows of ejaculating during orgasm. Complete with anatomy references and drawing to make anyone drool, this book is a must have for anyone who has anything to do with a vulva.

Deborah's class "The Feminine Fountain: Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot" is being held at the CSPC on Friday, Oct. 22 at 8pm. This class is open to all genders. I have heard her speak in the past and am very excited to have the chance to attend a class!


At the other end of the weekend, if you liked Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality you will want to be at the CSPC for An Intimate Evening with Author Christopher Ryan. With all the fascinating conversations this book as inspired among my community, I am quite curious.

Fears

I fear recrimination from women in regards to my sexuality.

It's a lingering thing.  When I was a teenager, when sex was new and we all were trying to figure it out, I picked up a lot about people's attitudes regarding sex from how they reacted to tales of certain acts. Invariably, in my group of friends in my conservative small city, the girls reacted with scorn and disgust to anything kinky while the boys evinced awe and envy. One instance that stands out in my memory was when I was almost 17. I was going to junior college and had met a young woman who was 23 and had traveled to Europe, which meant she was far more sophisticated than me, right? She told me a story about a friend of hers who had bragged about how she could fit a guy's whole hand in her pussy. I remember being amazed and impressed while listening to the story. Then confused when my friend said it wasn't anything to be proud of. The finality of her pronouncement kept me from asking why not. The disdain was so clear that I certainly didn't want any of that emotion directed at me for thinking such an act was cool sounding.

Of course, years later, when I allowed myself to be fisted, I was unsurprised to discover that it was as cool as I thought it would be. And, of course, I didn't tell any of my female friends that I had tried it. (This was before I found the kinky community.)

Some of the hardest things for me to endure are scenes with sexual components in "mixed company".  I worry that people will treat me different or like me less if they see what gets me off. With men, I worry they will think I will do that act with anyone, including them. With women, I worry about their perception of me as less than worthy. I have great admiration for women who play sexually in public play spaces. They must be especially secure and strong in their sense of self to do intimate acts where others can view and I want to be like them.

I'll continue with fisting as my example.


Once upon a time, the Mean Man kept threatening me with sex acts in semi-public settings. He enjoyed the fear & panic that played across my features, as well as other physical responses. For months, there was only talk. This resulted in complacence that he was only engaging in a mindfuck. Until one night, "Put on a short skirt and we'll go to the club tonight." At the time, I didn't think anything of his directive other than that he liked to see me wear short skirts. In retrospect, I should have seen what was coming. When he told me to get a glove & some lube from the safer sex supplies station, I knew what he had in mind: fisting me in public. 


I was mortified. It was the Thursday Grind; one of the busiest parties of the week because of the new member orientation that happens before it, not to mention the great dance music. He tied me in a chest harness that secured my hands behind my back and thrust my breasts forward. As an added sensation and a visible cue that I was indeed playing and not to be talked to, nipple clamps, connected by a shiny silver chain. He positioned me standing next to a large, low chair that just happened to be next to the water cooler, in that grey zone between the social area and the play area. After instructing me to spread my legs, he pulled my panties down to my knees and encouraged me to keep my legs spread so that my panties didn't fall down any further. 


He calmly sat down in the chair, put on the glove and ran his hand up my leg until he found my cunt. I was wet from the fear & the control he had: he could make me do something I was so scared of that I would never have even thought to ask for it. And "it" was horrible. And hot and, yes, I got really close to orgasm. Apparently, others thought it was hot, too. People started drinking a lot of water when they realized that his hand was disappearing up my skirt. Repeatedly refilling their Dixie cups in order to politely get a closer look at what was going on. 


Afterward, I clung to the Mean Man, still feeling vulnerable and wanting his protection; scared to interact with anyone for fear of recrimination or ridicule. Walking around, with me practically hugging him from behind, he chatted with friends and I avoided eye contact or speaking to anyone. One of his dear friends, a beautiful woman whom I loved to watch dance, sashayed off the dance floor toward us. I buried my face in his shoulder while they traded pleasantries. I vaguely heard him mention something about still being in aftercare mode and soon she began grinding her magnificent ass into mine. Shock turned to pleasure as we spent a minute or two pressing and rubbing into each other. She gave me a little hug and sashayed on her way. Feeling dazed but smiling, I found myself grounded and comfortable again.


That was exactly what I needed: validation and acceptance from a woman. I don't have the fear as strong as I did before that experience. It's still there, dormant, flaring up when I hear a woman commenting on another woman's sexuality in a disparaging way. I have made it a personal crusade of gently challenging those disparaging remarks in the hopes of changing the narrow societal mores that say women shouldn't be "too overtly sexual".


 

 

I'm a Kinsey 2.695

Kinsey Scale tee-shirts! The Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Scale was devised by Alfred Kinsey & his co-researchers, Clyde Martin & Wardell Pomeroy to reflect the gradations found in the vast majority of the sexual histories they received in the 1940s & 1950s.

Just think, with these shirts, you could avoid putting the moves on someone with the "wrong" orientation. Those situations can not only be embarrassing, but also downright heart breaking.

I like the Kinsey Scale because it allows for movement. The concept that your position on the scale varies throughout your life respects that humans are not static creatures and that our sexuality is a malleable thing.

You may ask how I get such a convoluted number out of a such a simple scale. Well, here are all the factors I took into account when coming up with my number

• ratio of men to women sexual partners
• ratio of long term relationships with women to men
• who I fantasize about when I masturbate
• who catches my fancy walking down the street (random visual stimuli)
• who I idly fantasize about

Ultimately, I think these types of labels work great as conversation starters, rather than conversation enders.

PrideFoundation's Raffle with a Twist

 

Pride Foundation is giving away $2,500 to a favorite nonprofit organization. Enter their FREE annual online Raffle with a Twist and please vote for the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture as your favourite nonprofit.

 

Raffle with A Twist is the Pride Foundation's chance to hear from you which organizations you care most about. One randomly drawn entry will win $2,500 - plus we'll give $1,000 to the most named organization in each of our funding states (Alaska, Idaho, Montana, Oregon and Washington). And, you'll receive a Pride Foundation Swag Bag.

 

It is easy and only takes a minute, so enter today at PrideFoundation.org.

Please pass this on, far and wide.

Please only one entry per person per email address. The winning organizations need to have a nondiscrimination policy that includes sexual orientation and gender identity and/or expression. Entry deadline is October 31, 2010.  Full rules and details at PrideFoundation.org.

Volunteer at ParadiseUnbound 2010

ParadiseUnbound is a wonderful event that the Foundation for sex Positive Culture puts on each year to celebrate sexuality. There are workshops that focus on skills that benefit your relationships, your play and sexuality; opportunities for relaxation, camping and play abound with nightly entertainment. Paradise would not be possible if not for the time and efforts of our volunteers.

Volunteer opportunities during the week include working at: Registration, in the Kitchen, Hospitality, Information, Entertainment Set-Up, as well as help with set up and tear down before and after Paradise.

In addition to providing an important service that keeps the cost of Paradise reasonable and builds community, volunteers also receive a $10 per hour discount on registration, up to $20 a day and up to $100 for the week.

Please email our Paradise Volunteer Coordinator:

•  For a complete description of volunteer positions available for Paradise
•  If you would like to be a part of the set up crew or tear down crew for Paradise 
•  If you are planning on coming early or staying late as a volunteer

Please do not show up expecting to be a part of set up without notifying our Volunteer Coordinator.

To sign up to be a volunteer just make a note on your registration or email the Paradise Volunteer Coordinator

To volunteer for Security at Paradise please email our Paradise Security Lead.

A Summer Public Service Announcement:

Alexa Ara and her whimsical and practical Beginner's Guide to Romp & Tromping.

Squeeeeee!

There is a fun podcast series that I enjoy called Dr. Dick's Sex Advice. I first started hearing about it earlier this year from some friends of mine, so I did what everyone else does and followed their links to it and was charmed by his easy going manner and wit. Dr. Dick has a lovely interview style that reminds me of Bill Moyers in that he leads, steers and prods his guest gently so that the information and conversation flows beautifully.

So I got a note from him asking me if he could talk to me as part of his Sex Wisdom series. Me? Really?! That's so cool! After a few moments of fan-girl-ing out, I collect myself and gave him a call. I managed to not blurt out that he really doesn't want me on his show, as I didn't want to imply he had bad taste or anything in what/who he found interesting. It's more a matter that I am a bit concerned that I will not be up to the level of people he is used to working with and scared that I am not that interesting.

We had a lovely chat that culminated in how talking to people about anatomy in relation to their sex lives is something that doesn't come up near enough. Looks like we might have a topic! More details when they are finalized.